Some People Have White Coat Syndrome; It’s TSA That Makes Me Nervous

I can’t even pass the pre-test

I can’t prove who I am.

At least to TSA.

I went — driver’s license, birth certificate, and two marriage certificates in hand — to my pre-scheduled TSA Pre-Check appointment (available for a limited time at an airport near me!). And I was denied.

Apparently, the document I’ve used as proof of my birth my entire life is not a “birth certificate” but a proof of birth registration.

It was proof enough to enroll me in school and sports and everything else requiring a birth certificate. And it got me a U.S. passport and a gold star on my Florida driver’s license. But it is not enough for the TSA.

TSA on wheels

Weeks before I had reserved a time slot to get my official TSA Pre-Check status, envisioning a future of passing through security with no shadow of suspicion. I had even gotten a fresh copy of my marriage certificate to ensure my papers were in order before I headed to the mobile office parked at our small, regional airport.

Hopeful, I entered the non-descript truck to meet with the TSA agent at a tiny kiosk behind a miniskirt-length curtain — but I would leave my hope behind.

“I’m sorry to tell you this,” said the young man at the kiosk. “But this isn’t an authorized birth certificate. It’s a birth registration from the county; you need a certificate from the state of New Jersey.”

He pulled up an image of a green-framed document I should have but managed to live without for nearly six decades. Apparently, I can’t prove I’m me without it.

“You’ll need to reach out to the state of New Jersey and request the actual birth certificate,” he continued. “I’m not sure how much it would cost. They’ll have to mail you a physical copy because it’s printed on special paper.

“Maybe they can expedite it,” he concluded, “so you can come back while we’re still here this week.”

It was Wednesday.

My small airport doesn’t offer TSA Pre-Check services; the visiting TSA truck opportunity was time-limited.

The expanding price tag

“I just saved myself $78,” I tried to console myself with the money I didn’t get to spend for the honor of a TSA Pre-Check, but I still fought tears.

Gone was my chance to avoid the frisking, wanding, wiping, and bag searches I’ve suffered nearly every time I’ve flown out of my hometown.

But clinging to the TSA agent’s optimism, I searched the New Jersey Department of Health site to see how to request my birth certificate.

Easy peasy, but pricy.

I could request an official birth certificate online. Pay $25 for the certificate. Pay $5 for processing. Pay $5 to check my identity. And then pay $12 for UPS shipping, which doesn’t expedite the process, which takes 8-12 weeks.

So not within the week the truck is available.

Apparently, I can prove who I am to New Jersey. The state Department of Health needs to see two proofs of my identity: the exact documents I’d brought to the TSA truck.

To prove my identity to the TSA, I needed more cash, the documents I had in hand, a new birth certificate anyone with my documentation could have ordered — and time.

Which I don’t have.

“So… not worth it,” I concluded in a text to my husband explaining the details of my failed visit. “I’ll just spend the $78 on sexy underwear and plan on being frisked.”

My most recent TSA experience

Last week, as I attempted to fly out of our local airport, the TSA found me suspicious again. The agent had me step aside and beckoned a female agent to do the search.

“Got frisked and wanded because the crotch of my pants lit up in the screen,” I typed to my husband afterward.

“Hot Mama!” he replied.

Must be the underwear.

Was I surprised when I reached the hotel and opened the suitcase I’d checked to find the TSA had left me a note, letting me know they’d inspected it?

I’ve come to expect nothing less.

It’s who I am.

And as long as they’re looking at you (and you and you and you…) the same way, it’s all good. Except we might miss our flights.