To Know His Will

Exchanging my will for His and finding joy

Drop, drop, drop.
One by one tears fall
Slowly,
Softly.

Oh! The pain of glad surrender!
Not my will,
But always Thine.
Tempted to lean on my own understanding,
Tempted to ask —
“Why?”

Who am I to ask so boldly?
To question,
Lacking trust?
I gave you my life —
To live is Christ.
Help me to fully give,
So You may fully live —
Within me.
Then I may rest in unbroken union
With the One who saves
As one who serves —
Completely,
Without reserve for myself.
And my reward —
Knowing,
Knowing
That I am in Your will.
And that knowledge,
Despite the pain,
Will carry me,
Enabling me,
To do Your will.

My desire is to know You fully
Within myself
But without myself.
For in myself is death
And through you I know life.
For Your yoke is easy,
Your burden light.
When I am relieved
Of myself,
My desires,
My will,
When I am truly dead,
You truly live,
And yet I live.
For me to live is Christ.

May my heart always desire you.
May my will never be my own.
For only when I am completely empty
Am I full.
I want to be so full of love for you
That all else,
Me,
My desires,
My will,
All
Are rubbish in comparison.

I ask, dear Lord,
That as you take my willing life
(Your willing life)
And use it as You will,
You desire,
For Yourself.
That I may know that I am in Your will.

Drop, drop, drop.
One by one tears fall,
Slowly,
Softly,
Flowing continuously into a chasm
That forms a smile,
A reflection of the soul,
The flower of acceptance with joy.

Context for the poem

I wrote this poem, now slightly edited, November 17, 1983, in my journal. In July of that year, just before I turned 18, I had committed to living with Jesus on the throne of my life instead of serving myself.

The reference to the flower of acceptance with joy comes from my reading of Hannah Hurnard’s Hinds’ Feet on High Places. The story is an allegory that follows a girl named Much-Afraid on her journey from the Valley of Humiliation to the High Places with the Good Shepherd. This is what I had written in my journal:

As I followed Much-Afraid on her journey to the high places, it seemed as if everything that she went through, I went through. I began to see my need to place my will on the altar and accept with joy the paths where my Lord was leading me — despite how wrong they looked.

After I had laid down my will, God began to change my heart and enable me to do His will — and with joy! Though it hurt terribly, I felt His joy and peace and knew that I could trust Him with my life.

My dear friends, God loves us. His plans are good. We know the Christian life is not a life of ease but it is full of confidence and companionship because we don’t do it alone. He is the Good Shepherd; He leads us to the High Places.

Today, my younger self reminds me to submit to my heavenly Father’s lead, to align my will with His, and to trust Him wherever He leads. “Oh, the pain of glad surrender! Not my will but always Thine.”

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